Motherhood

Why I’ve Been Away

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still here. I haven’t abandoned this blog, I’ve just stepped back for a few days.

I’ve still been on social media some (and I consider this a section of social media), but have reduced it in the past several weeks for multiple reasons.

The main reason being our most recent miscarriage. I briefly shared this on instagram right when it happened, but it has been a few weeks and I’ve succeeded more at processing my emotions.

One of the worst feelings is knowing that your little babe is gone, and then scrolling through an instagram feed and seeing beautiful baby after beautiful baby. So you can see why I decided to limit my time online. Thankfully my body seems to have adjusted itself and I have not had to undergo any surgery or other intervention, but the emotional healing takes longer than the physical healing.

1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss, yet you rarely hear people talk about it. My desire in sharing my story is that maybe someone else won’t feel so alone if she is going through a similar situation.

But if 1 in 4 ends, that means 3 in 4 are successful. My husband and I have been pregnant three times, but we have only one baby girl to show for it. This led me to question often “why me?”

“Why God? Why would you take this precious baby from me? You know I would love he/she and provide a good life.”

“Why God? Why do you give children to so many that don’t desire them?”

I internalized these feelings for days until I finally broke and snapped at my husband. I don’t think Cameron knew just how much I was struggling internally, nor did I realize how much he was equally struggling. He was trying to be brave and strong for the both of us, yet he was grieving his loss as well.

In that moment of deep sorrow, we finally were able to share our feelings and begin to heal.

Healing is not a linear process though. You have moments where you feel you are okay, and then moments where you’re back in the initial pain again. As I continued to question “why God?” I realized I had to accept that His plan must be greater than my own. Either God is good, or He is not. Which one was I going to believe?

God is good, He is good all the time. He is good when He gives, and He is good when He takes away. I do not know what the purpose in the experience is, but I do know there is a grand reason. I like to think that one day I’ll figure out the purpose, but I realize that may never happen. Some days that is easier to accept than other days : )

I pray daily that we will be blessed with a healthy child, for a I want nothing more than to give Clara a sibling. I also pray for the acceptance that it is beyond my control.

Xoxo,

Rachel

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